A story i wrote for english. Critisize?
Jump
The girl stood still, standing on the cliff, looking out into the valleys. She heard the echoes of the birds flying around her. Her long blonde hair flowing around her face. She closes her eyes and shuts out the world. She takes one small step in front of her, feeling the rough rocky ground break beneath her foot. All at once, she falls without a sound, as she closes the distance between her and the rough water. She hits the water, and it surrounds her entirely. Water fills her mouth and it gets harder and harder to breathe. While focusing on her breathing she forgets which way is up. The girl struggles under the rough tides, trying to find her way to the surface. She loses hope, just as fast as she loses air. The girl closes her green eyes, clears her mind, and lets the water swallow her.
Trisha gasps and opens her eyes from her dream. She lifts up her trembling hands to her face and covers her eyes. Each time her eyes closed, she is taken back to the cliff, the water, the dream. Haunted from this very familiar, recurring image, she leaves her eyes open. Struggling to stay awake throughout the night. But finally gives up, and refuses to fight her eyes attempts of closing. They finally shut closed.
As she wakes, eyes fluttering open, from the sound of her mother’s voice calling her, “Trisha, wake up”. She yawns briefly, and stretches slightly, but doesn’t make any attempt to leave her bed. She hears footsteps on the hardwood floor, and her mom comes into view. She says, “We are going down to the cottage in an hour, better get ready”. Trisha doesn’t say a word, falling asleep. Her mom’s words sinking deeper into her thoughts, “the cottage”. She hasn’t been there for 5 years, the memories flooding back to her, filling her mind.
The music from her headphones fills her ears, and she is brought into her own little world, sitting in the back of the car, on the way to the cottage. She sees the familiar scenery, watching the trees and street signs go by. Until finally, she sees the one that she’s been waiting for “Rocliffe Street”. The car turns onto it, and makes its way down the gravel road. Finally, the family’s little cottage is seen, and they pull into the driveway. Trisha opens the car door, and steps out. She stares at the cottage; it looks exactly the same as it did 5 years ago. Old red bricks, bright yellow door, dark green trees all around, and bright green grass everywhere. She slowly starts to make her way over to her mom, tells her she’ll be back in time for dinner, and heads towards the cliffs, trying to find the girl.
She finally reaches the top of the cliff, and looks around, a sudden déjà vu hits her, she remembers her dream, and looks around for the girl. Finally, she sees her, with her long blonde hair blowing in the wind, her arms spread-out, and her clothes flowing around her. Trisha dashes over towards the girl, trying to get her to stop. But it’s too late; she’s too late, as she always is. The girl takes a step forward, and the ground breaks under her, and she falls, without a sound, just as in Trisha’s dream. Trisha stops at the edge of the cliff, just in time to see the girl’s body hit the water. Imagining how she feels, knowing exactly how the girl feels…
“Water fills her mouth and it gets harder and harder to breathe. While focusing on her breathing she forgets which way is up. The girl struggles under the rough tides, trying to find her way to the surface. She loses hope, just as fast as she loses air. The girl closes her green eyes, clears her mind, and lets the water swallow her.”
im in grade 9 btw (:
thaks in advance!!


